Feeling guilty means believing you've done something wrong and feeling bad about it. It can serve as a useful signal—a prompt to care more for someone or something we value. Guilt may reflect genuine sadness over broken trust, a wasted opportunity, or a glitch in personal accountability. In this sense, it highlights the importance of a commitment and invites us to reset and renew our vows to one another.
But quite often, it doesn’t.
Does any of the following statements resonate with you:
"I don’t dare say what I really think, because it might hurt someone."
"I’m afraid people will be offended if I fully show myself."
"I hold back from taking the space I want, so others don’t feel oppressed."
"How can I neglect myself even more to support others?" (You probably don't think this, but that's what it may come down to)
"If I don’t overextend myself for my kids, I’m not a good parent."
"If there’s conflict, I must have done something wrong."
"If I don’t give my partner(s) great orgasms, they may not live their best life."
"If I don’t handle my parents' outbursts gracefully, I’m not a good daughter/son."
"I feel guilty if I don't work hard. I don't want to be perceived as lazy."
"If I don't work long hours for this company, my life would be wasted."
Guilt, shame, and self-blame can easily be weaponized by external power structures (neoliberalism, your boss, your mom, etc.) to enforce social conformity and economic productivity. Our desire to be (or appear) virtuous (empathic, caring, thoughtful, altruistic) and not be socially rejected becomes the leash that binds us to self-imposed social rules and oppressive, mind-numbing working conditions. While marinating in the warm bath of social approval and societal "belonging", we happily march toward alienation (feeling small, censored, misunderstood, frustrated, disconnected, disembodied) and burnout.
In this version of guilt, compliance is mistaken for virtue, and fear of rejection for care. The awkward exchange of repentance and generosity becomes a theater of pretense—it doesn’t foster self-care, self-insight, genuine connection or honesty. Instead, it’s like a PR campaign: photoshopping a picture of a product you know is crap.
Expressing your feelings of guilt only makes it worse. You become less trustworthy. Wallowing in guilt signals an unwillingness to take true ownership. You hope that feeling and sharing your remorse can undo the “wrong” and reset the relationship.
But repentance can’t hide our true nature, it just makes us believe we can.
Guilt, shame, blame, caretaking, judgment: all roles in a frivolous theater of influence, manipulation, protection, defense, hiding, and pretense. They signal an unwillingness to make things real, to set and communicate that difficult boundary, to show myself as I am, and to take charge of embodying my own way of being human.
Feeling guilty isn’t a call for contrition, prostration, and forgiveness. It’s an invitation for self-inquiry and radical honesty. Guilt is painful because of the gap between who you think you are and who you actually are. It demands us to let go of comforting yet inaccurate self-images, rather than smother our audience with soothing stories. Only in the womb of radically owned honesty and truthful embodiment can genuine connection grow.
Guilt is a second-hand emotion. When committed to authentic presence, any feeling of guilt signals a risk of alienation or unnecessary compliance. So let’s dismiss guilt and repurpose the sadness and fear it represents with honesty and ownership.
No guilt. No shame. Just being with what is.
Your imaginary audience left the performance long ago.
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With gratitude to Leon & Ianthe for their questions, to Danielle for her feedback.
Want to break free from self-sabotaging guilt? Join our shadow work weekend from November 15-17. Click here for more information.
Check out our monastic rules. If you apply them, you'll be free in no time.
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