the suicidal and the mystic

Yet if I could listen

to the bulldog courage of those children

and turn inward into the plague of my soul

with more eyes than the stars

I could melt the darkness

- Anne Sexton

There is a kinship between suicide and mysticism: both seek the end of the “self” as a release from suffering. Both are willing to fall into Death’s embrace in search of new life. Both have access to altered states of consciousness—consider, for example, the well-documented sense of “calm” that often precedes a suicidal act.

Choosing death is not necessarily deviant. Even mainstream culture regards the surrender of one’s life for a just cause as the ultimate expression of love or dedication. Think of soldiers on the battlefield, saints embracing lepers, or parents sacrificing themselves for their children.

Though on the surface the Suicidal and the Mystic share certain similarities, the underlying mechanisms are quite different. The table below highlights some of these distinctions:

	Suicidal	Mystic
Aim	Attention, change, physical death	Egoic death
Process	Annihilation, escape	Transformation
Consciousness	Narrowed awareness	Expanded awareness
Attitude towards self	Violence, self-hatred	Self-love
Relation with the world	Refusal & resistance	Acceptance & surrender
Insight	Ignorance & confusion	Clarity & insight

Despite the differences, the Suicidal may have an advantage when turning to the spiritual path. They have practiced detachment, are willing to leave everything behind, and possess the courage to face death—all essential qualities on the road to awakening. In addition, this path requires a willingness to go where it hurts. Only by remaining present with a lucid discernment when things get scary and messy can we purify our minds and bodies until they are “spotless” - that is seen through as insubstantial, empty vessels.

To transform suicidal thoughts into a path of liberation, deep insight into the nature of reality and the workings of the mind is essential. When the suicidal person recognizes that the “self” at the center of their suffering is an illusion—non-substantial, not a fixed entity—awareness can expand. As we cease to identify with thoughts, feelings, and sensations, our experience of pain and suffering transforms.

In the words of Anne Sexton ("the children"):

Listen.

We must all stop dying in the little ways,

in the craters of hate,

in the potholes of indifference-

a murder in the temple.

The place I live in

is a kind of maze

and I keep seeking

the exit or the home.

Yet if I could listen

to the bulldog courage of those children