"If something bothers me, it means I reversed things. The problem is not out there. The problem is here."– Eric Baret

 

“To be affected by an insult is childish. There is no attack. He is not talking to you, but to his projection. Only an identification with a certain self-image produces this hostile feeling.” -  Eric Baret

 

The practice of becoming undone is foremost an invitation to take full responsibility for one's experience. It means investigating and understanding how I am a co-creator of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. When practiced well, it is a path of liberation through deepening self-insight and self-recognition.

 

Let me elaborate with a slight detour.

 

Many of us are trapped in a cycle to get more of what we like and less of what we don’t like. Just take a moment to feel it for yourself. Maybe you feel a bit thirsty and want to get a drink. Need to find a different chair to be more comfortable. Want more time with my partner. Look forward to a passionate evening. All these are examples of “more of what I like, less of what I don’t like”. 

 

This cycle also extends to how we perceive people and places, often attributing them with "good" or “positive” or "bad" or “negative” energy. We try to maximise positivity, minimise negativity.

This dynamic gives rise to ideas and practices that folk psychology often reinforces, such as:

• I need to set boundaries to protect myself from harm

• I need to distinguish between my emotions and yours.

• I need to cleanse myself or my space of negative energies.
   

In this view, life becomes a battle between good and evil, with a continuous need for vigilance and self-protection.

Most spiritual traditions shed a different light on this matter, Buddhism most explicitly. The dynamic of “more of what I like, less of what I don’t like” is considered mind-created and the primary cause of suffering. 

 

To understand this, we need to make a distinction between pain and suffering. Pain, such as physical injury or emotional loss, is inevitable and part of life. But it is not pain that makes us suffer. 

 

When we are in pain, we often add more suffering to it, through negative self-evaluations (This happens to me because I’m stupid), fear (is this pain gong to last forever?), frustration (now I have to change all my plans again), or self-pity (why is it always me who has bad luck?). This type of suffering is mind-created and self-inflicted, and therefore avoidable. It arises from how we interpret our experiences, not from the reality we live in.

 

Realising that it is not the pain, but our interpretation of it that makes us suffer, we know have a choice. Either we add suffering to it, or we work to end our mind-created suffering.

 

This difference between these two perspectives perspectives can be illustrated through the metaphor of insects landing on a tree. If the bark is rough or has bulges, the insects can easily land and feed. If the bark is smooth and slippery -like with beech trees-, they cannot. Folk psychology teaches us to keep away the insects. Buddhism teaches us to smoothen the bark. Both result in less insects, but only the latter approach leads to a permanent, sustainable solution. (This metaphor is not water tight. If you seek more exactness, you can replace it with superhydrophobicity and water drops if that works better for you)

 

To become undone...

 

Now, back to our topic. When I use terms like undone or annihilation, I am referring to cutting through ignorance and ending mind-created suffering. I am neither suggesting to passively accept violations of your integrity, nor to conform to how you think things ought to be. Both are firmly rooted in the dynamic of getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. Quite the opposite of what I propose here.

 

Instead, the practice of becoming undone is an invitation to take responsibility for how I co-create my experience. It's about investigating the bark, not fighting the insects.

 

For example:

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• If I am hurt by someone's words, could it be that I am clinging to a self-image that the remark threatens?

• If someone takes advantage of me, could it be that I am not communicating or tending to my own needs?

• If I feel lonely, could it be that I’m not sharing what matters most, preventing others from connecting with me meaningfully?

• If I feel alienated in my relationship, could it be that I’m not revealing myself honestly for fear of losing my partner?
   

These questions illustrate that negative experiences seem to have two sides: the external event and how we engage with it. The insect and the bark.

 

Many of us carry unresolved conditioning from childhood—old strategies that no longer serve us. They make us often underestimate the freedom we have to change our circumstances and overestimate the power situations have over us.

We may perceive "insects" when there are none, or fail to see the gigantic bulges in our bark that even capture insects that did not intend to land on us.

 

The practice of taking full responsibility for your experience (becoming undone) reveals these patterns and highlights the agency you have to end self-inflicted suffering.

 

At House of the Beloved, the path of self-recognition and "being different together" involves a radical choice to smooth the bark. Part of it is to “become undone,” the joyful acceptance of the axe (i.e., reality, friendship, relationship, etc.) that will smooth the bark by cutting off the bulges (i.e., deepen your self-insight and self-recognition). It is a path of transformation that at times can be painful and confronting as we lose our blissful ignorance and the comfort of victimhood. In return, a more sober connection with reality wakes us up to the freshness and immediacy of the moment, like a crystal-clear pool of water.

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Lucid. Clear. Still.

Always right here.

 

You may wonder: Is all this safe? Am I not at risk of physical or psychological harm if I don’t resist and act assertively?