“The person who, being really on the way, falls upon hard times in the world, will not, as a consequence, turn that friend who encourages their old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the difficulty and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that a person exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lies dignity and true awakening.” (Karlfried Durkheim)

 

Safety seems important to all of us. If I feel completely safe, I can let go of fear, fully relax, and express myself without holding back. It seems self-evident that when I think I am unsafe, I feel fear. 

But, when the risk of physical harm is absent, could it also be the other way around? That my fear causes me to think that I am unsafe, and that if I can understand and let go of my fear, the perceived risk of being harmed or hurt also disappears? If so, could this enable me to feel at ease and show myself more fully in all circumstances?

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(You can also listen instead of reading):

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I’d like to start with two disclaimers. 

 

First, if you are at a risk for physical damage or in an abusive relationship, stop reading and get yourself out of there.These ideas are only for people who are not at risk for physical harm, are free to speak their mind and can choose to leave if they’d prefer.

 

And a second disclaimer. I will explore how you can take responsibility for your fears. However, these ideas should never be used to make you the sole responsible for being exploited or treated poorly. In other words, don’t let these ideas become like opium, numbing you to be passive in a situation that requires you to speak up.

 

When we use the word unsafe, we are often pointing outside, to the environment, the people around us. But could there be something that we do or don’t do, that makes us feel unsafe? And if we would stop doing it, that feeling disappears?

 

Let’s take a look at some examples. 

 

Setting boundaries

 

I have a friend that doesn’t always respect my boundaries. When I am with him, I’m always a bit guarded. He can come too close to me, not pick up subtle cues, may try to push me in doing things with him I don’t like to do. It makes me feel unsafe. 

 

But, if I am really honest with myself, I have difficulties feeling and setting my own boundaries. And his 

presence makes this lack apparent. This skill is necessary to be at ease with him, because he doesn’t seem to have the sensitivity to pick up on my needs and comfort.

I feel unsafe because I find it is difficult to set boundaries. 

 

Fear of loneliness, feeling rejected

 

Other scenario. In a particular group of friends, I feel unsafe to share what is really alive in me. There is a lot of criticism and ridiculing happening, and I’m not sure my sharing would be welcomed with respect. 

However, if I am really honest, I am also afraid of being rejected for something that really matters to me. If I would be criticised for something so personal and sensitive, I would withdraw, disconnect from the group, and probably feel lonely. 

 

I censor myself to not get hurt. Deeper down, I deny myself the safety and pleasures of honesty about myself and my place in this world, because I don’t want to accept the consequence of potentially standing alone. 

 

Fear of being insulted or hurt

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There’s this colleague, when he gets angry, he will explode and start insulting me. And because he’s really smart and has good people skills, so he always knows to find the weak spots. When I’m with him, I am alert not to give him too many details about my life, out of fear he would use it against me. 

But, if I am really honest, he would point at things that are true, but that I’d rather not see. He would expose or touch my doubts, my shame, or other unpleasant beliefs I hold about myself and the world. He forces me to acknowledge parts of myself I’d rather ignore. I feel unsafe because he confronts me with myself and activates my own insecurities.

 

But what makes me feel unsafe when the truth is pointed out? Because it is difficult to acknowledge? Or again, like the previous example, am I afraid of the social exposure of showing up fully?

 

Fear of contamination by bad energies

 

In the spiritual workshop milieu, I often meet people that are carefully guarding their “energies”. There is a belief that energy is een like air and wind, it blows from one to the other, and it touches you and you have limited control over it. They avoid people and places with “bad” energy, because they believe it will impact their own well-being. I guess we all have met someone that gave us an instant bad feeling. 

However, my experience is that you are only touched when something inside you starts resonating with it. It’s not an exchange of energy, rather a resonance with potentially hidden parts inside you. The more I dislike these parts of me, the more unpleasant I find the interaction with the person that makes them resonate. And when I am able to accept these parts of myself that I have disowned, -what Carl Jung refers to as a shadow- the tension and load between that person and me disappear. A “negative energy” refers then to resonances that I find difficult to handle. It seems that the danger lies at the inside, not the outside.

 

Summary

 

In all these examples, my feeling of unsafety is not only signaling an external danger. They show how a feeling of unsafety can be a projection of my own fears to look at myself honestly.

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• If I have difficulties setting and keeping boundaries, I may feel unsafe with people who are unskilled in feeling and respecting boundaries.

• If I am unwilling to look at myself honestly and bear the consequences of expressing myself truthfully, I may feel unsafe with people that are critical, unrespectful or who may expose parts of me I don’t know or don’t like.

• If I can’t see how others trigger something in me, I may project my fears on them and judge them as negative or unsafe.

 

To summarise: 

 

When there is no risk for physical damage, and when I am free to speak or feel free to leave if I so prefer, in such circumstances it is the belief that a feeling of unsafety signals external danger that traps me in a circle of avoidance, even in my most intimate connections. I will bring alertness and restlessness. 

 

In contrast, if I see a feeling of unsafety as an invitation for self-exploration, it will become an ally on my path towards self-recognition and being at ease in all circumstances.

 

Now that I don’t worry about safety anymore, how can I support another in their existential development?